To the Moon
by PsycoticBananaFearie
Summary: This is pure insanity. If you havn't seen the deleated seens of POTC you probably won't get some stuff in like the first chapter or so but it dosn't matter all that much because like i said this is pure isanity it isn't really suposed to make much sense.
1. To the Moon: Chapter 1

Jack Goes to the Moon: Chapter 1  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow sat at his ships table. His concentration was ever so locked upon his quest that his rum flask laid upon the table, untouched for periods up to a whole minute. His hand began to shake and it almost lost grip upon the thin, slippery, skin. He swallowed and let out a shivering breath of air. "Almost there," he whispered to himself.  
Will stared at him not sure what to think "Jack, what are ya do'en?" he questioned.  
Jack didn't answer; this was all that mattered now. His coal smudged fingers pinched for the last tiny piece and he slowly peeled it away reveling the small, round, vainy, pale green, squishy pulp of the now skinless grape. "Your- are- nakey!" he yelled at the grape "are ya humiliated now? Huh? Huh? Huh?"  
"Eh hem," Will coughed "since when do you talk to inanimate objects?"  
"Oh, sorry," Jack faced the grape at Will.  
"Excuse me poor grape, but are you by any chance a bit embarrassed about your, shall we say, nakeys showing?" he asked the grape. The grape stared at Will blankly between Jacks trembling fingers. "Yes, Jack, the grape would appreciate it if you would kindly go about eating him now."  
"Yes, I-am-FRENCH!!!" Jack yelled. He popped the grape into his mouth and chewed it ferociously. Then he picked up his flask and began to chug. Will got up from his giant marshmallow that he was using as a chair (for Jack's new way of plundering wasn't going exactly according to plan) and stood by the window.  
"It's the 18 hundreds," Will observed.  
"Oh Will my darling, you have such a way with words," Jack grinned.  
"Why thank you. I do believe it is a bit of the elf in me," Will said. "But as I was saying..."  
"Yes, yes it is the 18 hundreds," Jack secretly realized.  
"Sooo, why are we in a space ship?" Will asked.  
"Well, ya see Hollywood had this idea that The Black Pearl wasn't gay enough so they gave me the chance to get a new ship, but Disney didn't like any of my ideas, god knows why, and they said that I had to have a kid friendly thing, like a space ship, but it had to have subliminal messages. Now I didn't want my ship shaped like that for thoughts of people calling me an Austin Powers wana be was just too horrible. So I brought in a little leverage to keep my space ship a normal shape. Savvy?" Jack explained.  
"Leverage...Oh no, where's Elizabeth?!" asked Will.  
"Oh come on, its only a double bed, remember" Jack wined.  
"I suppose. She was starten to change her mind about Norington anyway...damn that sexy ice cream cone." Will decided.  
Jack got up from his marshmallow and walked to Will. "Thanks Hun," he said and gave Will a kiss on the cheek. Jack went to sit down again and Will looked around the room.  
"Jack, considering this new...twisted...time...thingy, would it mean we now have a-"Will stopped as he spotted a refrigerator against the wall that he, for some reason, had never noticed before.  
"Yep," answered Jack.  
Clearly pleased with his findings, Will asked Jack if he would like him to make a sandwich for him. "Would ya like mayonnaise on that, love?" He asked Jack.  
"Well forget the sandwich, I'm French now remember, just throw me the whole jar," Jack rejoiced. Will rolled the jar down the table to him and Jack greedily opened the lid. He then poured a new bottle of rum in with the half full mayo, stirred it a bit to create a indescribable goop, and then slurped it down with his changing color Hello Kitty spoon. Will sat down with his sandwich and monthly issue of SEVENTEEN.  
"I knew I was doing something wrong with my hair," Will mumbled to himself through a mouthful of bologna as he studied the page ever so closely in his magazine.  
"Here want these hair clips," Jack offered.  
"No thanks, those are too winter. It says here I'm more of a spring," said Will. "Oh would ya looky here, says Brittany got married. Now was she one of the ones ya were or weren't engaged to?"  
"I don't think so, I would have remembered those boobs," said Jack.  
"Oh. So where are we going?" asked Will. Suddenly the whole room gave a giant shudder and tumbled around as if it had crashed into something. Jacks rum mayo was knocked onto the floor and it broke. Jack mourned over his loss, but only got a single tear out before he was knocked out by a tumbling marshmallow. His last thoughts before he woke up were "Man that's a stale marshmallow". 


	2. To the Moon: Chapter 2

Jack Goes to the Moon: Chapter 2  
  
"Jack, Jack, wake up," Will shook Jack.  
"Hmmm rrr ga rrrr, "Jack mumbled.  
"Waky waky sweetie somethen big's happened."  
"Naaarhu rrrhumph no more flamingos rrrr Scarlet hmmm don't leave me all by me onesys aahhhh," Jack kept dreaming. Will slapped Jack on the cheek. "Haha yeah Scarly ya know I like it like that," Jack continued.  
"No, Jack, ya dingbat it's me, Will." Will insisted. Jacks eyes fluttered open and he grumbled. He saw Will and screamed. Will screamed back in surprise.  
"Oh, it's you love, I thought ya were a flamingo at first," explained Jack. Will scowled. "Only because of your delicate, rosy, complexion of course," he quickly added. Will smiled. "So what the devil happened?" jack asked.  
"We've landed on the moon," Will said all too calmly.  
"Say what, sorry, I've got mayo in me ears," Jack was cleaning out his ears with the bone he had tied in his hair.  
So that's what that things for, Will thought. "Oh, I said we've landed on the moon."  
"Well that's nice...whaaa?" Jack yelled as he realized what Will had said. He jumped up and looked around the room. Everything in the room had been tossed around. Pots and pans were askew, glass was shattered, pictures had fallen, the bed was crooked and its sheets were half on the floor, almost all of Will's miniatures had fallen to the floor, the curtain rod was held by only one screw, and one of Jack's dresser drawers was open reveling a couple of his sparkly g-strings. Jack quickly ran over and slammed the drawer shut.  
"The moon Jack, moooooon!!!!" Will said with frustration. First he's a flamingo and now a cow, Jack thought. He looked over at some unshattered rum and shook his finger at the bottle as if scolding it.  
"Tisk, tisk, tisk," he said to himself. "Well I suppose as long as we are here we might as well take a walk and look around, maybe say hello to the locals. How's my eyeliner?"  
"Jack, it's the moon. We won't be able to breath. Oh and it is smudged a bit right there," Will reminded.  
"Ah, my poor friend, you are so naive. Any one with even just an acute case of paranoia would know that that's just a government conspiracy, savvy?" Said Jack while he applied a new coat of eyeliner as he looked at himself in a mirror shard.  
"Are you sure?" Will asked.  
"Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me...besides all those other times?" Jack said.  
"What about that other time?" Will asked.  
"That one too," said Jack.  
"Well then no I suppose," realized Will.  
"Right. So do you suppose I should dress up for this occasion or shall it be bear breasts and ankles all the way?" Jack asked.  
"Why don't we just wear what we have on now, I don't suppose we'll really meet anyone any ways," answered Will.  
"Hmm, their loss then. So we're off," said Jack.  
"To see the wizard the wonderful wizard...of the moon," Will finished off. Jack and Will cautiously walked toward the door. Will reached for the handle and turned it slowly then let go quickly as if burned him. "What is this, hmmm?" Will asked pointing to the top corner of the door at a small sticker, the kind that goes on apples. "How hard is it for ya to take the one second to throw that in the trash instead of just leaving them everywhere you can think of that would so horribly annoy me. I mean, ya don't put stickers on doors it will ruin its finishing. It's like a tattoo. You know how I feel about defacing your body!"  
"Well soooorrry," wined Jack. "Maybe I should just rap a piece of cloth around it." Jack glared at Will and then looked down at Wills wrist.  
"It's a cut," Will pleaded.  
"Yeah, well it sure is taking a hell of a long time to heal." Jack grabbed the handle and tore open the door. The two of them stood in aw. Before them was an incredible sight of a lumpy gray dust under an ink black sky littered with shimmering white dots. "Gah, this looks like that damn monkeys butt," Jack said.  
"Hey, I think I can see my blacksmiths shop from here," said Will as he peered at the far away earth hanging in the black void. Jack squinted at the orb.  
"Let me guess, it's the elf inside you, right," Jack elbowed Will in the rib.  
"Well, I suppose we should split up and take a look around this giant dust bunny. You look that way and I'll go over there," Will pointed. Jack began to walk around taking note on the craters.  
"Aaaahhhhhhhh," came a scream to his left. Will ran to Jack and found him standing there with a handful of moon dust and a disgusted look on his face. "This is awful cheese," he managed to get out. Will rolled his eyes and began to walk away, Jack followed. "What's up with all the craters?" Jack asked.  
"I don't know. Who makes all these?" Will asked. Just then a little orange and brown tie-dye...thing popped out of one of the craters.  
"I do," it cried. Jack and Will both looked at each other.  
"Eunuch," they declared in unison. 


	3. To the Moon: Chapter 3

Jack Goes to the Moon: Chapter 3  
  
"No, actually my name is Niorpheus", said the orange and brown tie- die blob.  
"Oh, yes, of course", mumbled Jack. "Um, I hope you don't mind me asking, but what exactly are you?"  
"Well, actually you should know what I am. I'm just a little different then usual," said Niorpheus.  
"Not follow'en ya", Will said.  
"I'm a can of peaches really", he said.  
"Um, I'm sorry, but were we are from-earth-canned peaches don't talk", Will said. Jack's eyebrows did a little dance in confusion.  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot they never actually told anyone about there experiments", Niorpheus explained in his slurping voice. "I'm a mutated can of peaches of course. You see, your little scientist humans had this idea that when they sent all those lousy rockets to the moon they would secretly stash a couple of cans of food in the control panels. I don't know exactly why they did this but it had some kind of connection with sending monkeys to the moon and seeing if they could live. Well as we all know the monkeys revolted against this idea, killing all the scientist who wanted to do this and that is why there haven't so many moon landings lately."  
"I didn't know that that's what happened," whispered Jack.  
"SILENCE!!! Let me finish my story", screamed Niorpheus. Jack and Will both froze in surprise. "Sorry, I haven't taken my pills lately. Anyways, right before the monkeys decapitated them all, devouring their guts with great passion and a handful of garlic, a rocket was sent with me and the rest of us hidden in the control panel and right before it landed something went wrong and batta-boom batta-bing we're now a couple of mutated cans of goop here on the moon", he stopped to make sure Jack wasn't actually mumbling something to himself about teenage mutant ninja turtles, but of course he was and so Niorpheus hit him upside the head with his stretchy arm. "Actually I think they ment for us to mutate, that way they could sell us to Dr. Evil so that he could conquer the earth, but then there was the great monkey incident of some time nobody can remember", he finished off.  
"I never liked monkeys, always steal'n medallions and stuff, ya know." Jack mentioned as he got himself up from the ground.  
"Well, this isn't about those bloody monkeys, it's about me and that lawnmower in the Colbert's backyard!" Niorpheus finished.  
"Why the lawnmower?" asked Will.  
"What lawnmower?"  
"The one you just said was in the Colbert's backyard."  
"Who are they?"  
"I don't know."  
"Then how do you know they have a lawnmower?"  
"They don't have a lawnmower."  
"But I said they did."  
"No you didn't."  
"But dolphins aren't angora fetish."  
"You're all going insane," Jack said as he stuffed his shirt full of moon dust, creating a lovely bosom. "Any one have any pantaloons?" Will stared at Jack for a moment and shook his head, he sat down and started rocking back and forth, trying to rid himself of the nonsense. Jack puffed out his chest, admiring his handiwork, and then he walked over to Niorpheus. "So, ah, what do ya do around here?"  
"Well, here on the moon, me and my brother, Farnuglebragen (he's a mutated can of spinach by the way), help run the Spam and Barbie factories," he said trying not to look at Jack's new bulges.  
"Spam and Barbies!" Will goggled. "I always thought they had an alien quality." Niorpheus nodded, "This moon is also home to some of the best damn raves in this galaxy."  
"Really," said Jack, suddenly interested. He let the dust fall out of his shirt.  
"Indeed, come along and I'll show you," Niorpheus said as he started to lead them. Suddenly a blob of dark green mush splattered all over the ground before them and roared with the sound of a thousand giraffes being strangled by Alexander the Great in a tutu. Jack grabbed a hold of Will and Will squeaked. "Farnuglebragen, it's ok, these are our friends. They've crashed here and I'm taking them to the Hobbit Rave," said Niorpheus to the green blob.  
"Oh, I'm sorry old chap," apologized Farnuglebragen. "I'm pleased you could join us you two. Actually I was just on my to the rave right now." Jack and Will sighed with relief and followed the to blobs. After a couple minutes they stopped in front of a large rock. "Here we are," announced Farnuglebragen.  
"It's a rock," said Jack, confused. Farnuglebragen pulled a remote out of his gooey substance a pushed the large button that said, "power". The fabric of space folded before them and they were all engulfed by a whirling vortex of neon lights. Jack and Will could feel the steady pulse of an extremely loud base pound through their bodies. Angora fetish: Some of you might be a bit confused with this one.... well yar probably confused with the whole story, but this one I can explain...well try at least. This is actually a color, or at least it is now. It all started from an inside joke with my friend. We were in my pool playing colors, and obviously being very stupid. Right before this me and her had been watching Ed Wood (you must all go see that movie, NOW! If you need another reason why then here, the main character is Johnny Depp and it was directed by Tim Burton, there I think that shall suffice.) I was explaining the colors we could choose from and then decided that you could also choose angora fetish (Ed dresses in woman's clothing and has an angora fetish). It was kinda a joke at the time but as I was calling out colors I just so happen to call that out and my friend, very happy indeed, changed hers on the spot and swam on that one. (I think I got her by the way) Tah dah! Angora fetish is now a color; it's been a pleasure boring you. 


	4. To the Moon: Chapter 4

Jack Goes to the Moon: Chapter 4  
  
Jack and Will could no longer see their guides. They were completely engulfed by swirling lights and falling through the vortex it made. Even though they felt as if they were falling very fast they were standing upright and moving themselves about as if they were on perfectly good, solid ground. Will was frightened and squealed, jumping into Jacks arms and hugging him tightly. Jack opened his mouth to say something but it continued to stretch open wider and wider to impossible lengths. As it opened it swallowed Jack. The giant mouth that was Jack then imploded. Will looked around madly. He spun faster and faster and hundreds of Jack heads circled him. Will blinked and he was back in Jacks arms. He jumped out of them and stood there puzzled. The two of them continued to stand staring at the black dot ahead of them, which was the end of the tunnel. As they stared a herd of pigs in their Sunday dresses skipped down their peripheral vision singing, "ring around the rosies". They were led by a horse in a top hat and glasses. The horse was then standing in front of them like a 3D movie. "Time for tea old chaps", it said in an echoing, Ringo Star voice. Jack and Will were no longer under control of there bodies and were sitting on the back of the horse. It jumped in slow motion they discovered they were no longer on a talking, British, horse in a swirling vortex of colors, but they were now on a giant squid swimming through the ocean. The black dot that marked the end of the insane place was now a shark's mouth, open wide, teeth sparkling. The shark swallowed them and Jack and Will somersaulted onto a cement floor. They were no longer in a swirling vortex or under water. They were standing in the corner of what looked like, the basement of some hippie lair, where a wild rave was taking place. They looked behind them but it was only a brick wall. They stood there very confused. "T'ndid ew tsuj elbmut tuo fo a s'hsif ssa?" Jack asked. "Os ti dluow mees", said Will. Jack went over to wall and licked the wall. "Seod kcirb etsat ekil hsif?" "Woh dluohs I wonk?" Jack shrugged. "Neht tahw deneppah?" "Llew eht rewsna si etiuq elpmis...ew delbmut tuo fo a kcirb s'llaw ssa." "Ho.....ko......tiaw kcirb sllaw t'nod evah sessa....od yeht?" "Eht dnik htiw hsif sdaeh od." "Ho..... yhw era ew gniklat ekil siht?" Asked Jack. "I t'nod wonk," said Will. They turned around from the wall to face Niorpheus and Farnuglebragen. "I hope you had a nice trip here," said Niorpheus. "Yes, yes indeed. I know I find the tunnel most exhilarating," Farnuglebragen smiled. "Kcuf uoy!" Jack said. "Oh I'm sorry about the backwardness, that's a side affect for new travelers I'm afraid," said Niorpheus. Farnuglebragen slithered up and kicked them both in the behind. "There you are, good as new." Jack and Will stood up from their amazingly hard blows to their bums. Jack asked, "So where are we?" "You're in the basement of the café, Tommie B's. He's got a good little hobbit rave going on right now, as you can see," answered Farnuglebragen. Will stopped doing a sucky rendition of the robot to the blasting techno and looked at the mutated cans of food. "Wait a minute, Tommie B's? Do you mean this is Tom Bombadils joint?" Will asked happily. "Keeper of the greatest stash in Middle earth?" Niorpheus and Farnuglebragen looked at each other; amazed he would have known anything about him. "It's the elf inside him," Jack explained. He was used to these things by now. "Well, yeah," said Niorpheus. Will smiled greatly and grabbed Jack by the shoulders. "Do you know what this means?" he said shaking him. Jack looked confused and so Will whispered a bit into Jacks ear to create a better "surprise, surprise" effect. Jack listened and then smiled immensely. "Oh yeah baby!" he nodded. 


	5. To the Moon: Chapter 5

Jack Goes to the Moon: Chapter 5

Jack and Will sat on the floor looking down at the horrible mess. The beautiful, fragile body was now a mutilated corpse. Will had his arm around Jack. Jack had his head on Wills shoulder. They both sniffled as they mourned over the disaster before them. Jacks tears made a dark spot on Wills shoulder and Will held his trembling hand. How could something this terrible happen to such a glorious thing that only wanted to give to others happiness? This was such a cruel universe.

"Oh for crying out loud", someone said beside them, "It's only a bong!"

Jacks grip tightened on Wills hand and Will, still staring at the shattered pieces of glass, shouted back, "It wasn't just a bong man. It was a beautiful creature. It fulfilled our needs and never asked for anything back." He paused to wipe his eyes. "We didn't mean to drop it. It was an accident. My hand slipped. We didn't mean to drop it..." Will trailed off into silence. Jack took his head off of Wills shoulder and looked back at the man. His eyes bulged. The man who stood behind them was Norrington.

"Alright then, so it was a pretty good thing, but hello there's more to do then take bong hits." Norrington revealed a bag and he dumped the contents out onto the ground and sat down. "So men, what's your pleasure?" Jack and Will immediately forgot about the shatters behind them at reached for some shrooms. They sat there indulging on buffet of drugs for a while. Norrington eventually passed out but the two didn't really notice, they were to busy arguing.

"It's a coin duh," said Jack.

"No it's a medallion, she wears it as a necklace," Will said back.

"But it still is a coin. That's what it was originally. People just happened to put it on a string or chain or whatever it was through it."

"Yes so therefore it is a medallion."

"But..." Jack stopped as he suddenly realized a fish was swimming in and out of his nostrils.

"It is neither," said the fish "the matrix has you."

"Oooohhhhh," they both said in unison. The fish disappeared and Jack wiggled his nose. "Ah...ah...ahCHEW!" Jack sneezed, but for some reason it seemed to go in slow motion. Will saw snot fly out of Jacks nose. It was rainbow colored. Will was mesmerized. Droplets of the mucus fell on Jacks arm. Will attacked him and tried to snort all he could off of Jacks arm. Jack was thoroughly disgusted and slapped Will. Will fell back and screamed something about is head swelling. Jack starred at him as Will started spazzing out. Will looked at himself in the mirror they were using for coke.

"Sweet tap-dancing zombie badgers! My head is a watermelon!" Will screamed. He ran around in circles and waved his arms. Somehow what he was doing was going along with the blasting techno. Jack had almost forgotten that they were actually at a nightclub. They had been sitting in this corner and had been so wrapped up in there merrymaking for so long that he hadn't noticed the tons of people busting out moves on the dance floor and HOLY JESUS, they had a bar!!! Jack looked over at Norrington who was still passed out slumped on a beanbag chair with his hand down his pants. Jack decided to leave him and ran to the bar.

Mean while Will was still spazzing about his watermelonyness. He almost looked as if he was break dancing. The people noticed this. They thought he was just dancing since they obviously couldn't see the watermelon. A few tried to follow along.

After fighting over who got the vibrating bar stool (which Jack lost by the way but dose not wish further discussion over), Jack sat down and ordered a bottle of rum. A woman sitting next to him felt like starting a little conversation. "Nice club," she said flipping her hair back.

"Nice tits," he said looking down at her chest. The woman was outraged and slapped him then stormed off. He had forgotten to note that he was thoroughly wasted and hadn't taken in to consideration that he might be seeing double. The bar tender walked over to him.

"You haven't been around many uniboob activists have you?" He said leaning on the transparent countertop. Jack looked a little puzzled. The man pointed to the group of girls behind Jack all with one breast and a large pin that said in bold letters "SBPA". " There's a Single Breast Pride convention tonight. I suggest you don't go near anymore of those chicks because if you slip with the plural form of any word they feel like your mocking them like speed bumps on a handicap ramp and you'll be sure you'll wind up on there hit list. Happened to my cousin once," he said shaking his head in sorrow. "The poor bugger never stood a chance against those jackalopes..."

"I'll keep that in mind captain," Jack said saluting the bartender.


End file.
